I’ve really considered — and I mean it, really did — how I could reply to your email, if I could have. I ultimately decided not to because it’s all the same tripe spewed over and over again — you saying you don’t care about blame while listing my faults and subsequently placing fault on my shoulders for the southward turn our relationship took. You even blame me for your mistreatment of me, that because I knew you were on drugs that I should have known better. Jesus… I thought someone like you would know how to spot victim blaming when it’s falling out of your own mouth, but I guess bloody not.
I’m never logging onto this account again. I’m leaving it open for the single purpose of saving what beauty I created here for however long i can. I don’t regret this tumblr anymore than I do my relationship with you. That’s why I can’t step away from this with any hate directed toward you, because I just cannot hate you. You were too important to me for me to ever feel that way about you. But I am done. We both need to move on with our lives, because what we have is no longer working and it hasn’t worked for a really, really long time.
I wondered to myself why it didn’t upset me as much as it did the last few times we almost parted — how I could lose something as precious as you and Ellimir from my life with sadness, but without the intensity that I had felt before. And I realize it was because I already did lose you. I lost all of you a long, long time ago. I’ve already mourned. I already accepted that, in some capacity, all the things you described in that email to me — the things you promised would come back if I just gave you another chance — were already gone. And I’m not willing to put myself through the shit you put me through in order to hope that one day they will. That is not how a healthy relationship develops.
You don’t make me happy; I do not make you happy. We spend most of our time arguing. We spend most of our time debasing my character to the ends of the earth, even though you claim that we don’t. You make me feel like shit, Autumn. I got panic attacks whenever I saw you log on. I still get panic attacks whenever I see you’ve emailed me. That’s how I know this is over.
That’s how I know that everything you want to come back won’t. And it’s not through any fault of your own. I don’t blame you any more than I blame myself. But you and I have reached a point in our relationship where it’s just run its course. We do not want the same things anymore. And I can’t take how much you try to run me into the ground.
You know how I feel about things. I’m not going to reiterate them all again. But I am going to wish you the best. I thank you for what presence you had in my life when things were still good. I still think that you’re a great person in many capacities, and I know that you’ll go on to do great things. You’re going to meet people who make you happier than I ever have, or could have. I’m glad for it, because I do think you deserve to be happy. We clash too much now for this to work. It hurts me, but I can only survive now if I reflect on how much you’ve given to me, instead of how much I’m losing.
I hope you come to accept and love yourself. I hope one day you can come out and be who you are, without fear. I hope that one day you achieve everything that i know you’re capable of. I hope that you live a life full of happiness and contentment. I hope, I really do, that everything will be okay for you in the end.
I don’t really care about what you want to say about me. I already figure that you will, in some fashion, reply to this and try to drag my name through the mud. If it makes it easier for you to grieve, then go ahead. I’m not going to be here to read it. I’m letting go of this, but I’m not forgetting it. I’m not going to answer future emails from you. If you try to call me on the phone again, I’m sorry, but I’ll be forced to change my number. This is where you and I say goodbye. I know it’s hard. But I also know you’re strong, and I know that you can get through this. I know that you can find happiness. I know that there are people who love you and will be there for you, where I couldn’t be.
I’m choosing to part from this with love. I’m choosing to part from this in the sincerest hope that one day, you can look back on what we had as a happy memory. You were a really great friend for a long time, and I won’t forget that. I can only hope that in some capacity, I brought you happiness too, even if it was only for a short while.
And if not, then perhaps it is an overall good that I leave you to find better opportunities. Please do. I really, honestly, truly want you to find them.
Please have a wonderful life, Aleks. Autumn. I love you with all my heart and I wish you the best.
It hurts to write this, but: Elise will always be with Kazimir. That was a lifetime promise. I’ve let her go to fulfill that promise. And although their story never came to fruition, I am content in knowing that in their world, she will always be at his side, as she should be.
the booty don’t lie
WE ARE EQUAL, if you agree, why do you ask for special treatment? I get it, you’re sensitive about your identity, but that’s a PERSONAL problem (not everyone else’s).
Don’t get mad at people for treating you like they treat EVERYONE ELSE by identifying you, without any negative intent or implication, for the gender you appear to be to them.
I am sorry you’re having issues with accepting the perfectly healthy body you were born in, but your difficulties should not lead towards others being called “monsters”, “bigots” etc for simply treating you as an equal.
I used to get mistaken for a girl, did I ever get upset? No, because I have nothing to prove, if you have a problem with who you are, talk to a psychiatrist. Do not take out your issues on others, it’s not their fault they wanted to treat you like they treat everyone else, and were not briefed that you feel you are not in fact equal & need special treatment.
Cannot even begin to fucking believe the cajones you have for even talking about this issue when you’ve made it clear multiple times how fucking bigoted you are towards those in the LGBTQA community. Swear to fucking christ.
Your ‘issue’ is a non-issue, because any decent human being (note: decent) that gets told, “You misgendered me” reacts with “Oh, I’m sorry, could you please tell me which pronouns you prefer to go by so I don’t make the mistake again?” You know when the fucking “monster” and “bigot” shit comes up?
When people like you not only get up in arms about people pointing out you misgender them, but actually accuse them of lying and being delusional because their bodies do not match their gender identity. News-flash you stupid fuck: Gender and biological sex are two totally different fucking constructs. Whoa, amazing, right? And did you also know that gender identity is more psychologically based than biologically based? Whoa! Super cool! So guess what that means?
That means anyone can identify as they bloody well want to based on how they fucking feel psychologically. Identity does not have a last stop at your fucking genitalia. It never fucking will. A large basis of gender constructs are socially bound. Having a vagina does not automatically mean you like wearing dresses or playing with dolls. Having a vagina has absolutely nothing to fucking do with these things biologically. Just as having a penis does not automatically bound you to like playing sports or wearing pants.
Like it absolutely fucking astounds me how many of your followers are blindly liking and reblogging this shit. Of course you never fucking minded when you got mistaken for a fucking girl, you had the privilege of being cisgendered. You’ve never had to experience dysphoria. You don’t know the absolute pain these people go through, and you invalidating them in your other posts saying that what makes a man is his dick is fucking dehumanizing and cruel.
A man is not defined by his dick and a woman is not defined by her vagina and I’m tired of idiots like you purporting the idea like it’s fact. It’s not. Your desperate clinging to outdated and oppressive constructs is sickening and I hope to Christ that you fucking get a heart one day.
But considering all the shit you pull on your videos, dude, I fucking doubt that’s even a remote possibility.
watching shit with autumn makes a really shit day nicer.
I am so thirsty for emotional and physical intimacy with someone
I want to nuzzle their neck and lay entwined on my bed and lazily kiss their lips and make them food get to know every single curve and contour they have
I want to touch someone with my finger tips and make them feel loved